Commitment Phob.

It seems I have reached a point in my life where I am afraid to commit.
To anything.
Even good stuff.
In recent conversations I have found myself denying the want for more children, for more pets, to sign a new lease on my amazing and perfect house, to commit to traveling overseas, and even down to small facts like setting up a movie date or a pamper night that I have won.
I even can't commit to having a girls night out with girlfriends. What is wrong with me!

What is worse is I am afraid that I am going through something rather traumatic, without even realising the seriousness of it. Well that isn't true, i realise it otherwise I wouldn't feel the need to write about it. But my body isn't feeling it. I don't have warning signs going off. I don't feel like it is a serious problem. Is it?! Perhaps it is a blessing. I feel normal but my actions are not making me seem like the same person I have been my whole entire life. I have always been the girl in life who was organised and committed. I knew where I was going and how I was getting there and i'd commit to every step of the way. I have always been grounded and responsible. In fact, I thrived on responsibility.

I think that my 'problem' has stemmed from my overbearing responsibilities of a single-parent. Nothing in my life is simple anymore, everything needs to be thought about in multiple perspectives before it can be done. I can not date without the implications to others (and not just my daughter), I can't just shop, I count every cent to go towards bills, I have to budget out my petrol to make sure ill have enough to last every week. The list goes on. I am not complaining, although that definitely sounds like I am. I made my bed and it is the comfiest and best bed that I could ask for. But it comes with an overwhelming sense of being myself against a world determined to make my life hard. And through that I now have the repercussions of not wanting to commit to anything, because my life is full of hard and lifetime commitments as it is.

So no, I do not want another dog which I have to train, pay for, clean, exercise, discipline, and love, even though I love being a pet owner and absolutely adore having a dog to come home to everynight.
No, I do not want to have more children, even though being a parent is the most amazing thing I have ever done and I love parenting more then anything else in this world.
No, I don't want to commit to a boy, regardless of how hard you make my heart beat, how much you make me smile for no reason and the extent that love means to me.
No, I don't want to have coffee with you..... even though I love coffee (this one I am not sure of why. I guess lack of committing to the little things just come from lack of committing to the big. Or im just weird. That works too)

I guess, because I do it all myself that at this point in my life that no matter the rewards that come with things I am just at my limit of responsibility and I can't handle the pressure of doing anymore. I am a strong woman, or I like to believe I am. But right now, I am a woman who has nothing left to give because (on my own) I am giving all that i've got.

Perhaps I am losing the plot.

Is fear your biggest motivator?

Fear by definition is a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil or pain whether the threat is real or imagined. 

But what does fear mean for you?

I figure we all live with a varying level of fear which relates to all aspects of life. I am sure that level increases and decreases with time and experiences and something that we fear at one point in life isn't necessarily going to be something we will fear forever. Perhaps fear is a simple key element to living in a successful life. It motivates us, and keeps us grounded.

However, fear is one of the most sickening feelings I have experienced so far.

I am afraid. 

I fear those things that I cannot control. 

I fear the pain that comes from letting go.

I fear that I am not good enough. More importantly, I fear that I am and you just can't see it. 

I fear that I cannot stay who I am today. 

I fear change. & yet, I embrace it. 

I fear opening myself up to you, because I fear you can't see how hard I try to be me. 

There is a difference between fearing life (& love) and letting that fear control what you do. For me, in this stage of my life, my fear does not control my direction. But the feeling, that fear, is real. 

Expect the worst, save the hurt

Im going to be honest. I hopped on here today wanting to write about my desire for honest communication in all my relationships and blah blah blah, more more more. I am not saying that the above fact isn't true anymore, it is. It is also something that has been playing on my mind a lot recently and I wish that I could find a way to make others see the importance of that to me. However, i've begun to write on the above topic three times now, written and deleted, re-written and deleted, and a third time DELETED. Why? I wish that I could give you a valid reason for the fact my brain can't focus, my stomach feels sick and my heart feels heavy. but I can't. All I can say is one thing. 

Yep, you guessed it. Boys!! 

Don't fear, nothing major has happened. I don't think. Or maybe it has? Whatever the reason, it isn't worth 'blogging' about, not yet anyway. But my reaction to it I feel holds some substance. It amazes me how, in a world that is going smoothly, all it takes is one minute factor to send us into turmoil. Is this part of being female and being hormonal. Do boys experience the same thing? I do really wonder. So today, like I said nothing has actually happen. My brain has interpreted a very minor, minor thing to became a very major problem. Logically, I can't make sense of my reaction. But as one of my girlfriends once told me 'when it comes to the heart, there is no logic.' This one small factor in an otherwise perfect day has honestly made me feel like I need to vomit, sleep and cry the day away. I keep trying to settle my insides down with words of encouragement. I am over reacting. There is nothing wrong. Stop being silly (not so encouraging) but for some unknown reason I have made up my mind and that which is wrong is wrong and there is absolutely no arguing about this fact. Blah! 

Is this what they call women's intuition? That sick in the gut, stab in my heart feeling you get over something minute? If that is the case, how can I possible no from something so small that something so major is going to come from it? I have had one experience of womens intuition which I would happily claim to be that, I am not sure this is in the same league. If it isn't, please explain!? 

Do we have this reaction to try and prevent ourselves from being hurt. Do we forge pain in an event so that if we are to actually be hurt, we were hurt in the first place and not expecting happiness? Does that even make sense? It sounds like the largest loud of dodginess I have ever heard. But I think it is what we do? We expect the worst to save ourselves from pain. In reality, by doing this, we have pain leading up to finding out the worst (or not so worst) is going to happen. Therefore, we end up with a longer amount of pain. & if the 'thing' isn't bad at all we've gotten ourselves worked up into a frenzy of sickness for nothing.

BUT. On the other hand, I was talking to a girlfriend the other day. We had lunch during which we blissfully discussed the men in our lives and how much we 'liked' them. After lunch we have coffee, during which she receives a text message in which he called her a 'buddy' name rather than a 'lovers' name. That was the flick of the switch. She was in that gut-wrenching, you should have just stabbed me in the eye, state. On the outside of the situation I thought 'its only a word'. Turns out that one word was the indicator to the end of the relationship. Or atleast, a pull away from him at this particular point in time. So maybe that 'feeling' is an intuition of some sort. Or perhaps because we react as though one word means the end of everything we guide ourselves down that path subconsciously. Because it is better to end it now before I really get hurt, right?!

WRONG.BULLSHIT! You like him now, if you didn't you wouldn't feel the need to make up these ridiculous  stories in our heads to save ourselves from the pain. We women are complex creatures. No wonder boys can't work us out.

Bloody men. 

Its the small things

Often when people are asked what their hopes and dreams are for the future we dream big. We want the big things in life including the big bucks, the big house and the big successes. I don't see anything wrong with dreaming big, often it takes the big dreams to get us taking those smaller steps but I do wonder if we get so caught up in the 'big picture' we often stop looking at the little bits and pieces that make our lives amazing.

Do we spend so long looking ahead we forget to look at now?

I was driving home tonight beside a river and it was right on dusk. The water was beautiful, a perfect reflection of the setting sun and beautiful silhouettes of people going about evening activities along the river. If I was a photographer I would have captured the beauty but instead it became embedded in my head. Thankfully, it was peak hour traffic so I was graced with a longer length of time to admire the natural beauty placed in front of me. It did lead me to wondering, out of the citizens enjoying that scenic route this evening how many people took even the briefest of moments to appreciate the sight that was being given to them for free. Or how many of them were to busy cursing the traffic for making them late home from work, or stressing about the weekend activities, or money, or anything to actually sit back and see what was placed in front of them.

I have a theory (one of many but definitely one of my favourites) that those of us who are unhappy spend so much time focused on what we are yet to receive we forget to appreciate what we already have. I believe that if we looked at what we had rather than what we wanted we would find something beautiful worth celebrating. For me, I don't need riches or bigness. Money is just a number and size is just a thing. For me its those little things that I get given every day that build and build on my happiness bank. I may be at my busiest, at my largest or at my most stressed but if I see that beautiful sight, even if its the same stretch up beach i've already walked on a hundred time, I still feel blessed by this simple everyday happiness.

This doesn't mean i'm not working towards the 'big picture'. I have dreams just like everyone else to one day have that amazing career i'm working hard towards, and a house to call my own but in the process of getting there I wontlet the lack of these things in my life determine my success or happiness. They will add to it, but definitely not make it.

The bible.

They say 'safety in numbers' is the best (and safest) approach to life. Safety in numbers when swimming, safety in numbers when clubbing, and of course safety in numbers when walking the streets at night. But to put a new spin on it, what about safety in numbers when overcoming life's little hurdles?

For me, i know that I find comfort in hearing about others who are going through similar difficulties that I may be venturing through.. Or better yet, those who have overcome them. It is not that I take comfort in knowing that others are suffering especially when its a pain you can relate to. But knowing that you are not an exception to society and the 'heart wrenching' pain you are experience is one that all other everyday people have also experienced somehow makes it seem okay. To know you aren't an exception to the rule, that is comfort.

I also find it comforting when I find other people who take the same view on situations that I do, especially considering my views often steer from that of everyday Australians. It is not that I am one of those creepy, nothing I say makes sense or has any relevance to life, type of people. In fact, I feel that I am quite opposite. I am just open minded, simply put, in a world of very closed or half-open minded people. I am aware that put that way it makes me sound like I believe I am better then others, or something similar but trust me this isn't the case. I am very down to earth and friendly I just seem to think very differently from many other people I have met. That is not to say that I believe my view point is superior because I honestly don't, I just know that it works for me. In fact, i am more open to accepting the view points of others and don't feel the need to 'preech' to those who are different in their thought process. I make sense of my world my way, as does everyone else.

It is comforting, however, to find others who do think similar, coming back to safety with numbers. Not safety from society or to develop an 'us Vs them' motion but just to keep me confident in my own way of thoughts. It is hard, regardless of how holistic you feel, to have your opinions continuously cross examined by the majority of society who think differently to you and believe you to be naive in your views. So far im still standing as straight and tall as a building about my beliefs but even buildings can fall. It is hard to be different to what society expects you to be, regardless of how 'wise' being different makes you.

I was on one of my 'bibles' this morning, a website called mamamia where collectively people submit articles about an array of topics from love to politics and current national events. I say it is my bible because through this I find numerous of articles that help me make sense of life, or help others that I know. This website is the joining together of people and thoughts through words, and it is amazing what sort of repair job these words can help  accomplish.

Today I found this article about a women who's husband wanted to leave her and she didn't go through the natural (and often normal) process of breaking down or demanding answers and responses. Instead she calmly supported him and let him know it was 'okay' but she loved him anyway. (Have a read: http://www.mamamia.com.au/weblog/2010/07/he-said-i-dont-love-you-she-said-thats-ok-stay-anyway.html). Reading it I remembered my 'rant' from yesterday on my girlfriends who have a hard time accepting my decision to support a boy they don't believe is treating me right. It was nice to read that others have chosen to travel a similar path to me and that their girlfriends also found them naive for following that path. Other people find it hard to believe that you can just 'know' that you are meant to support someone but from reading that she just knew, without a doubt, that her husbands problems was not because of her but she was there to support him in his decision makes me realise I am not naive, i am just trusting my heart. I acknowledge the differences in the situation between her and me, but that doesn't make my need to support someone and stay in a situation any different to hers.

For me, I accept that going by societies standards the relationship I have entered shouldn't be this 'hard' at the beginning and because it shouldn't be this hard society believes it can't be successful. What I don't understand is how society can believe, when we are made up of hundreds of thousand of different people with all varying experiences and ideas, that one set of rules determine the game for everyone?

Not understanding someone else's fast heartbeat.

I am sure we have all been in this position I am about to explain but I feel it necessary to set the scene anyway. Imagine; you've just had a fight with your partner. For this example we will say its been a reoccurring fight that does leave you feeling rather unwanted and disheartened in your situation. Due to your hurt and regardless of how small it may have been in retrospect, you've sort out a girlfriend to cry to and declare you've been hurt 'one to many times' and wont do it anymore. In reality, regardless of the extremities of such rants we've had with our girlfriends what we say during these times are not necessarily true. Or they may be true for that moment  of passion without your loved one in front of you with his famous baby blue eyes asking for forgiveness. So we spend hours with our girlfriend, crying & ranting, and working out step by step our next plan of attack to rid of this 'loser who doesn't treat us right' to then walk away and straight back into the arms of our lover. Trust me, its easy to forgive those eyes! 

Next meeting with the girlfriend we cringe a little inside when they ask us how our confrontation with our loved one went. 'Did you finally tell that bastard where to go?!' Nervously, we explain no. We spoke, we sorted things out and we've made up. How often do our girlfriends then encouragingly tell us that is amazing, and how wonderful that we should put in the hard yards to build a loving and solid relationship. Or, how often do they encourage by saying 'not every relationship can be smooth sailing all the time. You are both only human and will have your ups and downs.' Or, how often do we just keep feeling guilty for not following the plan of attack and still having our lover at home when we climb into bed.

Perhaps this is just me. Perhaps it isn't my girlfriends but my own innate guilt. I don't think it is, but i'm not ruling it out as a possibility. 

However, assuming that my assumption is correct I ask the question. Why are people not supportive when we work things out with our loved ones? I can understand that they just want what is best for us, or they worry that we are too close to a situation that we can't see the warning signs but at the end of it all, isn't this our own lives? Why do we feel the need to follow the rash advice from a girlfriend, rather than the words from our own hearts. I do wonder how many fights or break-ups have been 'girlfriend advice' assisted. I also wonder, how much of the advice we give as girlfriends are more a projection from our own relationship mishaps rather than the problem set in front of our friend. 

I met with amazing girlfriends of mine tonight for the first time since my 'ending' conversation with my Mr Four. Very predictably myself and Mr Four are still going strong so when my girlfriends got there with the gleam in their eyes knowing i'd have some sort of story to tell them I felt myself shrink (yes, shrink). I knew i'd just become another girl who whinges about the 'boy' and then comes back the next week to say everything is okay.

But the thing is, regardless of what my girlfriends think (and yes it was voiced that perhaps I am to close to the situation to see the mistakes I am making) they dont feel deep inside the way this boy makes me feel. They don't feel the butterflies I experience when I see his name come up on my phone, or the antsy little pacing I feel like doing when I know he is only minutes away from my house. Their lips don't curl up into involuntary smiles when I think about sweet little things he has done or said, and their heart doesn't beat faster when they think about the tiny chuckle he lets out when he finds something heartwarming. I am not saying I am in love with this guy, because I'm not. I am still just getting to know him. But I do think these feelings are that close to fireworks that I am about to start writing my own love story.

I am not saying because of this we will be together forever. I am not denying that he sometimes does the wrong things by me and does cause me the pain that I need to talk to my girlfriends about. I am not disregarding the fact that he is human, male and sometimes selfish. But while I am expected to recognise his bad 'traits' and the way they make me feel, i'd like to also place acknowledgement on these good aspects and the tiny things he does that make me feel so.... amazing (he would laugh if he saw me write that). I want to question why an argument must mean the end. Why cannot not just be viewed as a bump in the road? A bump that builds us higher? 

So, to all the girlfriends out there who make our cement judgement from the tears our girlfriends shed over selfish males remember:

When a girlfriend cries she needs you to wipe her tears.

When a girlfriends needs to work through anger she needs you to help her make sense of it.

But when a girlfriends chooses to forgive, forget and move on she needs your full support, regardless of your opinion.

It isn't your life. You are only there for support