Commitment Phob.

It seems I have reached a point in my life where I am afraid to commit.
To anything.
Even good stuff.
In recent conversations I have found myself denying the want for more children, for more pets, to sign a new lease on my amazing and perfect house, to commit to traveling overseas, and even down to small facts like setting up a movie date or a pamper night that I have won.
I even can't commit to having a girls night out with girlfriends. What is wrong with me!

What is worse is I am afraid that I am going through something rather traumatic, without even realising the seriousness of it. Well that isn't true, i realise it otherwise I wouldn't feel the need to write about it. But my body isn't feeling it. I don't have warning signs going off. I don't feel like it is a serious problem. Is it?! Perhaps it is a blessing. I feel normal but my actions are not making me seem like the same person I have been my whole entire life. I have always been the girl in life who was organised and committed. I knew where I was going and how I was getting there and i'd commit to every step of the way. I have always been grounded and responsible. In fact, I thrived on responsibility.

I think that my 'problem' has stemmed from my overbearing responsibilities of a single-parent. Nothing in my life is simple anymore, everything needs to be thought about in multiple perspectives before it can be done. I can not date without the implications to others (and not just my daughter), I can't just shop, I count every cent to go towards bills, I have to budget out my petrol to make sure ill have enough to last every week. The list goes on. I am not complaining, although that definitely sounds like I am. I made my bed and it is the comfiest and best bed that I could ask for. But it comes with an overwhelming sense of being myself against a world determined to make my life hard. And through that I now have the repercussions of not wanting to commit to anything, because my life is full of hard and lifetime commitments as it is.

So no, I do not want another dog which I have to train, pay for, clean, exercise, discipline, and love, even though I love being a pet owner and absolutely adore having a dog to come home to everynight.
No, I do not want to have more children, even though being a parent is the most amazing thing I have ever done and I love parenting more then anything else in this world.
No, I don't want to commit to a boy, regardless of how hard you make my heart beat, how much you make me smile for no reason and the extent that love means to me.
No, I don't want to have coffee with you..... even though I love coffee (this one I am not sure of why. I guess lack of committing to the little things just come from lack of committing to the big. Or im just weird. That works too)

I guess, because I do it all myself that at this point in my life that no matter the rewards that come with things I am just at my limit of responsibility and I can't handle the pressure of doing anymore. I am a strong woman, or I like to believe I am. But right now, I am a woman who has nothing left to give because (on my own) I am giving all that i've got.

Perhaps I am losing the plot.