Is it as simple as 'I miss you.'

As previous blogs have indicated I recently made the decision to end an on/off, in/out relationship with the most beautiful boy i've known for a long time. To recap briefly we met about 6 months ago out one night. He had recently broken up from a serious girlfriend of a significant amount of time and from what I could grasp it was not the easiest of splits even though he swore he hadn't loved her for a long time (I do doubt how true that is. I think he was being sweet and trying not to hurt my feelings). I was in a position of finally realising that my 'ex', whom I had held onto the very dull, almost non-existent light of our relationship for the previous two years hoping it would, maybe, relight for the sake of our daughter, was definitely not the man for me and was in a very, very casual fling with a very, very sexy man I had met a few months previous.  Needless to say, we weren't in the best position for anything, except maybe the one night stand I intended when I first looked into his extremely alluring eyes.

The romantic meeting in the 'designated smoking area' at a very seedy and yet popular pub in my home town, where we only got talking because his (just as seedy) friend asked if I was wearing a bra with my top and he felt the need to politely apologise. Always the gentleman. The 'not so romantic' meeting lead into a very fun night. From dancing, to sunrise strolls on the beach, to bitching about ex's, love declarations and very intense family discussion we somehow ended up 6 months down the track where we are today. Regardless of the bad timing (it is still bad timing) for some reason we couldn't help but get to know each other and I know in my pocket become extremely attracted to this sexy, green eyed stranger.

Surprisingly we had never met. We have a great deal of connections and somehow had never crossed paths. Not memorably anyway. I have a suspicion that he may have been at my sister-in-laws 21st back a few years ago now. That is something i'd like to one day confirm but definitely may be left wondering.

This boy is the first boy that has made me want to share my life in a very long time. Not in a heavy way. I am not looking for 'forever'. I am not wanting him to move into my house (or me into his already very full one), provide for me financially and quickly fall into the rut of home cooked meals and grunting during the commercials of the football game. I just wanted to open my life to him. In fact, in short months I did just that. There is nothing I have hidden from him. He is the most kind-hearted, genuine man I have met. I do not say that without knowing his faults. We all have our faults. I was attracted anyway.

I sound like I am about to declare my love for him, whereas the story actually leads to me walking away. We already know that. I walked because I needed more then what he could give me right now. I walked because he needs to learn that he deserves everything he wishes for himself and I can't do that for him. I walked because I was scared. Mostly, I walked because.... I needed to.

Since walking I have missed him like mad. I read & reread our facebook messages and text messages religiously until I went on a holidays and forced myself to give up my already large addiction. It didn't make me sad to read them though although my heart surely was heavy. It just warmed me to know that I know this amazing person with the most interesting soul. And although while I wasn't away I didn't read our previous communication I did make new communication with him. A simple text, letting him know I was thinking of him.

24 hours pass.

That is okay. I accepted that until he wrote back and said he had been thinking of me too. Stab.In.My.Heart. If you are thinking of me, tell me not to walk. Why haven't I heard from him before now. In hindsight I know why. Because I said I needed to walk away, he agreed the timing wasn't right. He may be thinking of me but he knows the logic as much as I do. But, my gosh I miss him!

I wonder now though, do I only miss him because it is so new? Because I am adjusting to not having him to banter ideas with and the countdown till the days he comes home from work and we can have a stolen 24hours together? Do I miss him, or do I miss what he was. Will it fade quickly or is walking away a mistake. How do we ever know?

I believe we don't. Even if subconsciously we don't know the answer to our questions the actions we take gives us those answers. I needed to walk away because, for whatever reason, it is what was meant to happen. I was meant to text him because, for whatever reason, it was meant to happen. If we keep this up, it was meant to happen. If we dont, again, meant to happen. I know it sounds airy fairy, but it makes sense to me. I know that if I am meant to continue my journey with him I will.

Maybe its just those hypnotic eyes.

The beauty of arrogance

I had an interesting experience while on holidays with a girlfriend this week. We were two single gals' hitting up the clubs of a well known tourist destination not far from home. Feeling fresh and alive after three bottles of wine and an amazing feast complete with oysters and tapas we make our way (feeling classy but no doubt stumbling) to the first dancing venue for the evening. Named after a monkey and no doubt keeping all its patrons under that theme we buy ourselves an over priced beer (as you do when you are on holidays) and hit up the dance floor. The 'dancefloor' is actually a metal platform that could easily represent the grandstands at a football stadium, or close anyhow. Feeling drunk, unsteady on my feet and yet amazingly high on life I choose to head to safer grounds for my dancing and became one of the only patrons dancing on the floor. Yep, I was old school. However being so old school definitely lead me to a dating lesson that was a bit of a shock.

Lesson of the evening? I am attracted to arrogant jerks. Extremely attracted and extremely arrogant. It is a very funny realisation when you know something is really not good for you and yet you pine for it anyhow. Perhaps 'pine' is to strong of a word. I am not in love with this said arrogant male specimen, not even close. He has just over taken my thoughts for the last 3 or so days. No biggy!

Story time. There I was dancing like safety bill, alone, at the bottom of the 'dance floor'. Insert attractive 20-something year old male with blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes (yet an extremely serious, grumpy expression. Or we could just call it mysterious). As the day old story goes, introduction lead to talking, talking lead to dancing, dancing lead to more dancing, which lead to a few sneaky kisses. The night was successful, even though I couldn't remember his name. He and his friend choose to change bars, me and my friends stayed on to be monkeys. Later in the evening we also changed bars and somehow (there are a few alcohol related black spots in my story, I do apologise) crossed paths with Mr Arrogant.

The night proceeded with lots of dancing with lots of people. Mr 'A' saw my dancing with multiple partners (male and female mind you. Last time I checked general dancing with everyone in the bar was not offensive) as a 'not very lady like way' to spend my evening. From there the night seemed to turn into a game of cat & mouse were he proceeded to try and make me jealous, there was some name calling and there was a lot of arrogance from this male. He truly believed he was better than I was. I am not sitting here saying he isn't. To me, people are equals, especially strangers in a bar. But he really did believe that because I was his 'chosen' companion for the evening I had something that I needed to prove to him. He even got to a point where he told me that 'I had been silly enough for one evening and it was time to go home'. I never gave him what he wanted, perhaps that was part of the game for both of us. He was mean, I stayed ultra nice. I know ladies, I can hear you shaking your heads and uttering crazy words in my direction. I assure you, the experience makes myself have the same reaction. I am crazy. That doesn't stop me from remembering him more clearly than the copious amounts of nice men in the bar that evening. It is a bizarre effect, this lust/dislike experience. I have always said  I prefer mean boys over nice ones and now I have found my proof.

Even though we got no further then some mind-controlling bantering and some very funny phone calls at the end of the night we seem to have since kept in contact. Don't get me wrong, he is just as arrogant sober as he is drunk. I find him so intriguing as he is a definite opposite to my personality. In fact, I think I may find him as somewhat of a challenge because I have never come across anyone in my life that I can't just mesh with. I am so open and easy going, he is so.... not. For some mind-boggling reason it is so god-damn attractive. On one level anyway. In reality I know that he is an arrogant jerk but that doesn't mean that if I did see him again we could end up having another very interesting encounter. Don't tell him, it would just add to his already large ego.

Haha. boy I have issues.

The week that failed.

Not everything in life is easy. Sometimes life is very, very hard.
My favourite saying, 'No one said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.' I love it so much I am tempted to get it tattooed onto my body.
But it is true, no one said it would be easy. If it was easy my guess is you aren't pushing yourself hard enough. You aren't risking enough... all in all, you aren't living enough. And if its not worth it then the same sentiments apply. Added however with a huge What the F*** are you doing then?!

This week saw me ending two of the major things in my life. Not because they weren't amazing but just because it wasn't the right time.
Have you ever walked away from something that could equal the description of perfect if timing wasn't an issue. Have you ever done it twice in one week?

Let me give you the heads up. It sucks, majorly!

I walked away from the boy. Not because he wasn't amazing and not because he didn't make my heart skip a beat with a twitch of his lips. Not because he didn't like me and not because things weren't going well. I ended them because right now I need more from him then he is able to give. You see, I am in a complicated and hard place in my own life. He is also in a complicated and hard place in his life. We both need our respective 'other' to be patient, kind and selfless. I am sure you can see how these two things just don't go together. Not well anyway.

So we walk away. That was a hard decision. The right one but a bloody painful one.
See you later perfect guy.

Situation two. The most amazing, beautiful, loyal well behaved puppy that both me and my daughter cherish and adore who we simple cant keep. Why? Firstly, I don't have the money. I am struggling! Hugely!! More then hugely. I know that I will be until I finish uni and can begin teaching.  It is a sacrifice I have made for my career, to be broke for 5 years. I guess that also means sacrificing my beautiful, beloved pet. Reason number 2. I don't have the emotions, I don't have the hands, I don't have the time. I can't handle so much responsibility. I hate the fact that I cant but at the end of the day I am not superwoman.
I have my limitations. I didn't realise it for a long time, i thought I was invincible but they are definitely there and definitely prominent in my life.

I have to accept my limitations. Trying to push against them is like hitting my head against a brick wall. I can't change the fact that I am on my own with my daughter which means I need more then just a casual relationship. So that is the price of parenthood, I can do that. I can't change the fact I don't have the money for living with a dog. I can't change the facts of my life.

Single-mum epidemic?

I was talking to a new male acquaintance the other week and he was discussing with me his amazement (and possible 23 year old male outrage) to the number of single-mums he came across while trying out RSVP (the online dating service). His words were, 'what ever happened to the saying, if its not on its not on?' I think this entire conversation took place without him realising that he was in fact speaking to one of these young single mums who, in his opinion, is just part of another cultural epidemic.

After I enlightened him that he was speaking to a single mum he then started firing the questions at me.

 Why did you choose to have the baby?

Did you consider abortion?
Did you plan this?
Why don't you stay with the father? 

What would happen if you fell pregnant again? 

I wasn't offended by his comments. Quite the opposite. I was stocked i'd come across someone honest and ballsy enough to actually ask these question to my face and not just think them. However, this particular conversation has since left me with nagging question about the view of society upon 'said single mums'. 

So I pose this as a response. First off, not all single mums are doing a bad job. Actually most of them are fantastic mothers. I get that there are mothers out there whom don't always put the interest of their child first and there are those who, in the opinion of society, should not have had children. I am not sure that this category of people is limited to a younger generation or just females. I take my hats off to everyone who has children, young old and otherwise. It is hard work and it takes a lot of patience and love, at any age. I wonder if people found out that as a young lady I had an unplanned pregnancy and decided to abort, does that make me a better person? In the eyes of society being a single mum seems to be a cause for problem and negative discussion so are the alternatives better. Or does that just give society another thing to judge me on? What about adoption? Does this then lead to the thinking of 'How could she give up her baby and not take responsibility for her actions?' Guess what, this is me taking responsibility for my actions and I am doing a damn good job at it. You also hear the old saying if its not on its not on. This is true, but unprotected sex isn't always the reason. Even if it was, young single mums are not the only people ever performing unsafe sex they just have the proof of it. So where is the public outrage to everyone else? In my opinion if people can't handle my choices they don't deserve to be part of them. 

I also question how correct it is to assume that the 'young mum epidemic' is new. I really don't think it is. Lets speak to our grandparents for a minute who have now reached a 70-80 age bracket and ask them at what age they had their first child. Out of the 5 grandmothers related to my life (from my own side and that of my ex's) one of them didn't have a child at the same age as me. Go back to a generations before them. Women had babies at 14-15. It is true that their life expectancy was shorter but it is still the same age. So why is the issue of young mums raised now when it is very safe to assume that being a parent any time after the menstruation cycle has begun is natural. I believe that if we weren't able to handle it we wouldn't be able to do it. Perhaps, the lack of ability to be a young mum 'successfully' is not a reflection upon individual mothers of any age but the assumptions played down by society. It is very easy to assume someone is doing something badly when the rest of the country support your assumption. 

Lets now face the topic of 'single' parenting. It is true, there are a lot of single mums. It is quite rare (and yet a delight) to discover a young mum who has successfully managed to up keep a relationship with the father of their child. This does differ from that of the generations of our grandparents. They do come from an era of ever-lasting love and relationships whereas we now live in the time of divorce and separation. However, this separation is not only tied to young mums it is tied to the whole of our population. And I am not sure this is a bad thing. I like to think that once I am married I would not get a divorce, and yet I am a single mum. We separate from partners now for many reason. Biggest factor would have to be that it is more accepted in society. Divorce was once vary taboo, as was becoming pregnant out of wedlock. If I had of fallen pregnant 60 years prior I would have had a shot-gun wedding to a man I didn't know and still be married to him. Unhappily. It isn't that I don't respect and care for my daughters father but we are not compatible in a relationship. For us to be forced to stay together through the acceptance of society would be like telling two people to give up there dreams in their individual lives and the activities they both enjoy doing for the sake of 'staying together'. The truth is, we are on two ridiculously different paths in life and we are two very opposite people. So for us, it is the right thing not to be together. That doesn't change the love we have for our daughter and it doesn't make me a bad mother. In fact, I am a very good mother and I am positive that would have been the case if I waited 15 years to have my daughter just as it is when I had her at 19.

Why should we single mums miss out on the chance of finding the right person to love and happily spend our life with just because we have children? Life is short and lived once.If you are unhappy change it. Life is so adaptable if you let it be. 

Lastly, we live in a digital generation where online dating has replaced meeting singles at local dances. It is a very true (and some think sad) fact but it makes dating accessible to everyone. Not everyone needs it, people with a very active social life that are constantly meeting people through friends or work have a very similar dating line as those who used to attend local dances. But for single mums who have made the selfless and admirable decision to give up that social lifestyle to raise (successfully) those children they love the most it is hard to meet new people. Well, unless these new people work at the grocery store or are part of play group. Single mums don't have the freedom that other young single women have. That is okay, its part of motherhood. But when a dating service comes along that can be attended at home while your children sleep soundly at nights of course single mums will jump on that bandwagon. At the end of the day why shouldn't they? They still deserve to love and be loved. To me, it is not a surprise that online dating is made up greatly of single mums but I am definitely not agreeing it is a reflection of a negative epidemic for the world.

At the end of it all, life is changing. Adapt, don't fight it. 

The prediction on life.

We all imagine we know where we are going to end up in life.
And when we don't get there we imagine how we are going to handle that situation.

But I never imagined being here. Doing this... alone.
& even when I begun doing it I never imagined just how hard and complicated this life was going to become.

I've been known to face hard times well (however that seems to work). We get faced with hard times and for some reason I am blessed with the ability to get up, handle, fight through with strength and wisdom and a confidence in myself and life.

You ask me a question, I know a good answer.
You give me a problem, I have a positive outlook.

Like I said, I am blessed.

Give me the option that my daughter might be ill and im not quite sure where that positive reassurance has gone. Add to it the possibility not everything is okay with me and my walls are positively crumbling. And while my world crumbles I struggle to hear someone whispers those positive words to me. In fact, I just don't think anyone is saying them.

It is not that I don't understand that those I love and have supported in the past are busy in life - yeah. I get that.
It's not that I can't see their view point, the everything is going to be okay, you are over reacting view point people so quickly take upon themselves to see. I get that. It is what people do.
It's not that I don't get why people react the way they do, but what I don't get it how if I can sit here, in the midst of the confusion and doubt and see there side of the story and with that why can't they see mine.
Why, when they are only on the outside.
Why, when I go to them and tell them I am struggling.
Why do people think ignoring it is going to help?

Life is complicated. We think we know where we are going to end up in life and how we are going to there. But what we don't understand is what we (and others) are going to do when life sends you down the tricky paths again and again.

Life is not easy. It is the hardest thing you'll ever do.

I've once heard that your first 'heart break' will be the hardest thing you've ever experienced. I don't doubt that it is hard. I remember those endless nights that kept going and going. The nights where 2am drinks of milks and cigarettes were a unbreakable habit. The nights that never ended until 4am and the days that always begun again at 8. I thought that was the be all and end all. But that is nothing.

Nothing compared to the thought of my daughter hurting. Nothing compared to me not knowing what is going on with her. Nothing compared to no one believing me when I say it is more then what they are predicting. Nothing compared to being alone.

Life is complicated. I don't think it gets easier with time.