Single-mum epidemic?

I was talking to a new male acquaintance the other week and he was discussing with me his amazement (and possible 23 year old male outrage) to the number of single-mums he came across while trying out RSVP (the online dating service). His words were, 'what ever happened to the saying, if its not on its not on?' I think this entire conversation took place without him realising that he was in fact speaking to one of these young single mums who, in his opinion, is just part of another cultural epidemic.

After I enlightened him that he was speaking to a single mum he then started firing the questions at me.

 Why did you choose to have the baby?

Did you consider abortion?
Did you plan this?
Why don't you stay with the father? 

What would happen if you fell pregnant again? 

I wasn't offended by his comments. Quite the opposite. I was stocked i'd come across someone honest and ballsy enough to actually ask these question to my face and not just think them. However, this particular conversation has since left me with nagging question about the view of society upon 'said single mums'. 

So I pose this as a response. First off, not all single mums are doing a bad job. Actually most of them are fantastic mothers. I get that there are mothers out there whom don't always put the interest of their child first and there are those who, in the opinion of society, should not have had children. I am not sure that this category of people is limited to a younger generation or just females. I take my hats off to everyone who has children, young old and otherwise. It is hard work and it takes a lot of patience and love, at any age. I wonder if people found out that as a young lady I had an unplanned pregnancy and decided to abort, does that make me a better person? In the eyes of society being a single mum seems to be a cause for problem and negative discussion so are the alternatives better. Or does that just give society another thing to judge me on? What about adoption? Does this then lead to the thinking of 'How could she give up her baby and not take responsibility for her actions?' Guess what, this is me taking responsibility for my actions and I am doing a damn good job at it. You also hear the old saying if its not on its not on. This is true, but unprotected sex isn't always the reason. Even if it was, young single mums are not the only people ever performing unsafe sex they just have the proof of it. So where is the public outrage to everyone else? In my opinion if people can't handle my choices they don't deserve to be part of them. 

I also question how correct it is to assume that the 'young mum epidemic' is new. I really don't think it is. Lets speak to our grandparents for a minute who have now reached a 70-80 age bracket and ask them at what age they had their first child. Out of the 5 grandmothers related to my life (from my own side and that of my ex's) one of them didn't have a child at the same age as me. Go back to a generations before them. Women had babies at 14-15. It is true that their life expectancy was shorter but it is still the same age. So why is the issue of young mums raised now when it is very safe to assume that being a parent any time after the menstruation cycle has begun is natural. I believe that if we weren't able to handle it we wouldn't be able to do it. Perhaps, the lack of ability to be a young mum 'successfully' is not a reflection upon individual mothers of any age but the assumptions played down by society. It is very easy to assume someone is doing something badly when the rest of the country support your assumption. 

Lets now face the topic of 'single' parenting. It is true, there are a lot of single mums. It is quite rare (and yet a delight) to discover a young mum who has successfully managed to up keep a relationship with the father of their child. This does differ from that of the generations of our grandparents. They do come from an era of ever-lasting love and relationships whereas we now live in the time of divorce and separation. However, this separation is not only tied to young mums it is tied to the whole of our population. And I am not sure this is a bad thing. I like to think that once I am married I would not get a divorce, and yet I am a single mum. We separate from partners now for many reason. Biggest factor would have to be that it is more accepted in society. Divorce was once vary taboo, as was becoming pregnant out of wedlock. If I had of fallen pregnant 60 years prior I would have had a shot-gun wedding to a man I didn't know and still be married to him. Unhappily. It isn't that I don't respect and care for my daughters father but we are not compatible in a relationship. For us to be forced to stay together through the acceptance of society would be like telling two people to give up there dreams in their individual lives and the activities they both enjoy doing for the sake of 'staying together'. The truth is, we are on two ridiculously different paths in life and we are two very opposite people. So for us, it is the right thing not to be together. That doesn't change the love we have for our daughter and it doesn't make me a bad mother. In fact, I am a very good mother and I am positive that would have been the case if I waited 15 years to have my daughter just as it is when I had her at 19.

Why should we single mums miss out on the chance of finding the right person to love and happily spend our life with just because we have children? Life is short and lived once.If you are unhappy change it. Life is so adaptable if you let it be. 

Lastly, we live in a digital generation where online dating has replaced meeting singles at local dances. It is a very true (and some think sad) fact but it makes dating accessible to everyone. Not everyone needs it, people with a very active social life that are constantly meeting people through friends or work have a very similar dating line as those who used to attend local dances. But for single mums who have made the selfless and admirable decision to give up that social lifestyle to raise (successfully) those children they love the most it is hard to meet new people. Well, unless these new people work at the grocery store or are part of play group. Single mums don't have the freedom that other young single women have. That is okay, its part of motherhood. But when a dating service comes along that can be attended at home while your children sleep soundly at nights of course single mums will jump on that bandwagon. At the end of the day why shouldn't they? They still deserve to love and be loved. To me, it is not a surprise that online dating is made up greatly of single mums but I am definitely not agreeing it is a reflection of a negative epidemic for the world.

At the end of it all, life is changing. Adapt, don't fight it.