As previous blogs have indicated I recently made the decision to end an on/off, in/out relationship with the most beautiful boy i've known for a long time. To recap briefly we met about 6 months ago out one night. He had recently broken up from a serious girlfriend of a significant amount of time and from what I could grasp it was not the easiest of splits even though he swore he hadn't loved her for a long time (I do doubt how true that is. I think he was being sweet and trying not to hurt my feelings). I was in a position of finally realising that my 'ex', whom I had held onto the very dull, almost non-existent light of our relationship for the previous two years hoping it would, maybe, relight for the sake of our daughter, was definitely not the man for me and was in a very, very casual fling with a very, very sexy man I had met a few months previous. Needless to say, we weren't in the best position for anything, except maybe the one night stand I intended when I first looked into his extremely alluring eyes.
The romantic meeting in the 'designated smoking area' at a very seedy and yet popular pub in my home town, where we only got talking because his (just as seedy) friend asked if I was wearing a bra with my top and he felt the need to politely apologise. Always the gentleman. The 'not so romantic' meeting lead into a very fun night. From dancing, to sunrise strolls on the beach, to bitching about ex's, love declarations and very intense family discussion we somehow ended up 6 months down the track where we are today. Regardless of the bad timing (it is still bad timing) for some reason we couldn't help but get to know each other and I know in my pocket become extremely attracted to this sexy, green eyed stranger.
Surprisingly we had never met. We have a great deal of connections and somehow had never crossed paths. Not memorably anyway. I have a suspicion that he may have been at my sister-in-laws 21st back a few years ago now. That is something i'd like to one day confirm but definitely may be left wondering.
This boy is the first boy that has made me want to share my life in a very long time. Not in a heavy way. I am not looking for 'forever'. I am not wanting him to move into my house (or me into his already very full one), provide for me financially and quickly fall into the rut of home cooked meals and grunting during the commercials of the football game. I just wanted to open my life to him. In fact, in short months I did just that. There is nothing I have hidden from him. He is the most kind-hearted, genuine man I have met. I do not say that without knowing his faults. We all have our faults. I was attracted anyway.
I sound like I am about to declare my love for him, whereas the story actually leads to me walking away. We already know that. I walked because I needed more then what he could give me right now. I walked because he needs to learn that he deserves everything he wishes for himself and I can't do that for him. I walked because I was scared. Mostly, I walked because.... I needed to.
Since walking I have missed him like mad. I read & reread our facebook messages and text messages religiously until I went on a holidays and forced myself to give up my already large addiction. It didn't make me sad to read them though although my heart surely was heavy. It just warmed me to know that I know this amazing person with the most interesting soul. And although while I wasn't away I didn't read our previous communication I did make new communication with him. A simple text, letting him know I was thinking of him.
24 hours pass.
That is okay. I accepted that until he wrote back and said he had been thinking of me too. Stab.In.My.Heart. If you are thinking of me, tell me not to walk. Why haven't I heard from him before now. In hindsight I know why. Because I said I needed to walk away, he agreed the timing wasn't right. He may be thinking of me but he knows the logic as much as I do. But, my gosh I miss him!
I wonder now though, do I only miss him because it is so new? Because I am adjusting to not having him to banter ideas with and the countdown till the days he comes home from work and we can have a stolen 24hours together? Do I miss him, or do I miss what he was. Will it fade quickly or is walking away a mistake. How do we ever know?
I believe we don't. Even if subconsciously we don't know the answer to our questions the actions we take gives us those answers. I needed to walk away because, for whatever reason, it is what was meant to happen. I was meant to text him because, for whatever reason, it was meant to happen. If we keep this up, it was meant to happen. If we dont, again, meant to happen. I know it sounds airy fairy, but it makes sense to me. I know that if I am meant to continue my journey with him I will.
Maybe its just those hypnotic eyes.
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