Is it as simple as 'I miss you.'

As previous blogs have indicated I recently made the decision to end an on/off, in/out relationship with the most beautiful boy i've known for a long time. To recap briefly we met about 6 months ago out one night. He had recently broken up from a serious girlfriend of a significant amount of time and from what I could grasp it was not the easiest of splits even though he swore he hadn't loved her for a long time (I do doubt how true that is. I think he was being sweet and trying not to hurt my feelings). I was in a position of finally realising that my 'ex', whom I had held onto the very dull, almost non-existent light of our relationship for the previous two years hoping it would, maybe, relight for the sake of our daughter, was definitely not the man for me and was in a very, very casual fling with a very, very sexy man I had met a few months previous.  Needless to say, we weren't in the best position for anything, except maybe the one night stand I intended when I first looked into his extremely alluring eyes.

The romantic meeting in the 'designated smoking area' at a very seedy and yet popular pub in my home town, where we only got talking because his (just as seedy) friend asked if I was wearing a bra with my top and he felt the need to politely apologise. Always the gentleman. The 'not so romantic' meeting lead into a very fun night. From dancing, to sunrise strolls on the beach, to bitching about ex's, love declarations and very intense family discussion we somehow ended up 6 months down the track where we are today. Regardless of the bad timing (it is still bad timing) for some reason we couldn't help but get to know each other and I know in my pocket become extremely attracted to this sexy, green eyed stranger.

Surprisingly we had never met. We have a great deal of connections and somehow had never crossed paths. Not memorably anyway. I have a suspicion that he may have been at my sister-in-laws 21st back a few years ago now. That is something i'd like to one day confirm but definitely may be left wondering.

This boy is the first boy that has made me want to share my life in a very long time. Not in a heavy way. I am not looking for 'forever'. I am not wanting him to move into my house (or me into his already very full one), provide for me financially and quickly fall into the rut of home cooked meals and grunting during the commercials of the football game. I just wanted to open my life to him. In fact, in short months I did just that. There is nothing I have hidden from him. He is the most kind-hearted, genuine man I have met. I do not say that without knowing his faults. We all have our faults. I was attracted anyway.

I sound like I am about to declare my love for him, whereas the story actually leads to me walking away. We already know that. I walked because I needed more then what he could give me right now. I walked because he needs to learn that he deserves everything he wishes for himself and I can't do that for him. I walked because I was scared. Mostly, I walked because.... I needed to.

Since walking I have missed him like mad. I read & reread our facebook messages and text messages religiously until I went on a holidays and forced myself to give up my already large addiction. It didn't make me sad to read them though although my heart surely was heavy. It just warmed me to know that I know this amazing person with the most interesting soul. And although while I wasn't away I didn't read our previous communication I did make new communication with him. A simple text, letting him know I was thinking of him.

24 hours pass.

That is okay. I accepted that until he wrote back and said he had been thinking of me too. Stab.In.My.Heart. If you are thinking of me, tell me not to walk. Why haven't I heard from him before now. In hindsight I know why. Because I said I needed to walk away, he agreed the timing wasn't right. He may be thinking of me but he knows the logic as much as I do. But, my gosh I miss him!

I wonder now though, do I only miss him because it is so new? Because I am adjusting to not having him to banter ideas with and the countdown till the days he comes home from work and we can have a stolen 24hours together? Do I miss him, or do I miss what he was. Will it fade quickly or is walking away a mistake. How do we ever know?

I believe we don't. Even if subconsciously we don't know the answer to our questions the actions we take gives us those answers. I needed to walk away because, for whatever reason, it is what was meant to happen. I was meant to text him because, for whatever reason, it was meant to happen. If we keep this up, it was meant to happen. If we dont, again, meant to happen. I know it sounds airy fairy, but it makes sense to me. I know that if I am meant to continue my journey with him I will.

Maybe its just those hypnotic eyes.

The beauty of arrogance

I had an interesting experience while on holidays with a girlfriend this week. We were two single gals' hitting up the clubs of a well known tourist destination not far from home. Feeling fresh and alive after three bottles of wine and an amazing feast complete with oysters and tapas we make our way (feeling classy but no doubt stumbling) to the first dancing venue for the evening. Named after a monkey and no doubt keeping all its patrons under that theme we buy ourselves an over priced beer (as you do when you are on holidays) and hit up the dance floor. The 'dancefloor' is actually a metal platform that could easily represent the grandstands at a football stadium, or close anyhow. Feeling drunk, unsteady on my feet and yet amazingly high on life I choose to head to safer grounds for my dancing and became one of the only patrons dancing on the floor. Yep, I was old school. However being so old school definitely lead me to a dating lesson that was a bit of a shock.

Lesson of the evening? I am attracted to arrogant jerks. Extremely attracted and extremely arrogant. It is a very funny realisation when you know something is really not good for you and yet you pine for it anyhow. Perhaps 'pine' is to strong of a word. I am not in love with this said arrogant male specimen, not even close. He has just over taken my thoughts for the last 3 or so days. No biggy!

Story time. There I was dancing like safety bill, alone, at the bottom of the 'dance floor'. Insert attractive 20-something year old male with blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes (yet an extremely serious, grumpy expression. Or we could just call it mysterious). As the day old story goes, introduction lead to talking, talking lead to dancing, dancing lead to more dancing, which lead to a few sneaky kisses. The night was successful, even though I couldn't remember his name. He and his friend choose to change bars, me and my friends stayed on to be monkeys. Later in the evening we also changed bars and somehow (there are a few alcohol related black spots in my story, I do apologise) crossed paths with Mr Arrogant.

The night proceeded with lots of dancing with lots of people. Mr 'A' saw my dancing with multiple partners (male and female mind you. Last time I checked general dancing with everyone in the bar was not offensive) as a 'not very lady like way' to spend my evening. From there the night seemed to turn into a game of cat & mouse were he proceeded to try and make me jealous, there was some name calling and there was a lot of arrogance from this male. He truly believed he was better than I was. I am not sitting here saying he isn't. To me, people are equals, especially strangers in a bar. But he really did believe that because I was his 'chosen' companion for the evening I had something that I needed to prove to him. He even got to a point where he told me that 'I had been silly enough for one evening and it was time to go home'. I never gave him what he wanted, perhaps that was part of the game for both of us. He was mean, I stayed ultra nice. I know ladies, I can hear you shaking your heads and uttering crazy words in my direction. I assure you, the experience makes myself have the same reaction. I am crazy. That doesn't stop me from remembering him more clearly than the copious amounts of nice men in the bar that evening. It is a bizarre effect, this lust/dislike experience. I have always said  I prefer mean boys over nice ones and now I have found my proof.

Even though we got no further then some mind-controlling bantering and some very funny phone calls at the end of the night we seem to have since kept in contact. Don't get me wrong, he is just as arrogant sober as he is drunk. I find him so intriguing as he is a definite opposite to my personality. In fact, I think I may find him as somewhat of a challenge because I have never come across anyone in my life that I can't just mesh with. I am so open and easy going, he is so.... not. For some mind-boggling reason it is so god-damn attractive. On one level anyway. In reality I know that he is an arrogant jerk but that doesn't mean that if I did see him again we could end up having another very interesting encounter. Don't tell him, it would just add to his already large ego.

Haha. boy I have issues.

The week that failed.

Not everything in life is easy. Sometimes life is very, very hard.
My favourite saying, 'No one said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.' I love it so much I am tempted to get it tattooed onto my body.
But it is true, no one said it would be easy. If it was easy my guess is you aren't pushing yourself hard enough. You aren't risking enough... all in all, you aren't living enough. And if its not worth it then the same sentiments apply. Added however with a huge What the F*** are you doing then?!

This week saw me ending two of the major things in my life. Not because they weren't amazing but just because it wasn't the right time.
Have you ever walked away from something that could equal the description of perfect if timing wasn't an issue. Have you ever done it twice in one week?

Let me give you the heads up. It sucks, majorly!

I walked away from the boy. Not because he wasn't amazing and not because he didn't make my heart skip a beat with a twitch of his lips. Not because he didn't like me and not because things weren't going well. I ended them because right now I need more from him then he is able to give. You see, I am in a complicated and hard place in my own life. He is also in a complicated and hard place in his life. We both need our respective 'other' to be patient, kind and selfless. I am sure you can see how these two things just don't go together. Not well anyway.

So we walk away. That was a hard decision. The right one but a bloody painful one.
See you later perfect guy.

Situation two. The most amazing, beautiful, loyal well behaved puppy that both me and my daughter cherish and adore who we simple cant keep. Why? Firstly, I don't have the money. I am struggling! Hugely!! More then hugely. I know that I will be until I finish uni and can begin teaching.  It is a sacrifice I have made for my career, to be broke for 5 years. I guess that also means sacrificing my beautiful, beloved pet. Reason number 2. I don't have the emotions, I don't have the hands, I don't have the time. I can't handle so much responsibility. I hate the fact that I cant but at the end of the day I am not superwoman.
I have my limitations. I didn't realise it for a long time, i thought I was invincible but they are definitely there and definitely prominent in my life.

I have to accept my limitations. Trying to push against them is like hitting my head against a brick wall. I can't change the fact that I am on my own with my daughter which means I need more then just a casual relationship. So that is the price of parenthood, I can do that. I can't change the fact I don't have the money for living with a dog. I can't change the facts of my life.

Single-mum epidemic?

I was talking to a new male acquaintance the other week and he was discussing with me his amazement (and possible 23 year old male outrage) to the number of single-mums he came across while trying out RSVP (the online dating service). His words were, 'what ever happened to the saying, if its not on its not on?' I think this entire conversation took place without him realising that he was in fact speaking to one of these young single mums who, in his opinion, is just part of another cultural epidemic.

After I enlightened him that he was speaking to a single mum he then started firing the questions at me.

 Why did you choose to have the baby?

Did you consider abortion?
Did you plan this?
Why don't you stay with the father? 

What would happen if you fell pregnant again? 

I wasn't offended by his comments. Quite the opposite. I was stocked i'd come across someone honest and ballsy enough to actually ask these question to my face and not just think them. However, this particular conversation has since left me with nagging question about the view of society upon 'said single mums'. 

So I pose this as a response. First off, not all single mums are doing a bad job. Actually most of them are fantastic mothers. I get that there are mothers out there whom don't always put the interest of their child first and there are those who, in the opinion of society, should not have had children. I am not sure that this category of people is limited to a younger generation or just females. I take my hats off to everyone who has children, young old and otherwise. It is hard work and it takes a lot of patience and love, at any age. I wonder if people found out that as a young lady I had an unplanned pregnancy and decided to abort, does that make me a better person? In the eyes of society being a single mum seems to be a cause for problem and negative discussion so are the alternatives better. Or does that just give society another thing to judge me on? What about adoption? Does this then lead to the thinking of 'How could she give up her baby and not take responsibility for her actions?' Guess what, this is me taking responsibility for my actions and I am doing a damn good job at it. You also hear the old saying if its not on its not on. This is true, but unprotected sex isn't always the reason. Even if it was, young single mums are not the only people ever performing unsafe sex they just have the proof of it. So where is the public outrage to everyone else? In my opinion if people can't handle my choices they don't deserve to be part of them. 

I also question how correct it is to assume that the 'young mum epidemic' is new. I really don't think it is. Lets speak to our grandparents for a minute who have now reached a 70-80 age bracket and ask them at what age they had their first child. Out of the 5 grandmothers related to my life (from my own side and that of my ex's) one of them didn't have a child at the same age as me. Go back to a generations before them. Women had babies at 14-15. It is true that their life expectancy was shorter but it is still the same age. So why is the issue of young mums raised now when it is very safe to assume that being a parent any time after the menstruation cycle has begun is natural. I believe that if we weren't able to handle it we wouldn't be able to do it. Perhaps, the lack of ability to be a young mum 'successfully' is not a reflection upon individual mothers of any age but the assumptions played down by society. It is very easy to assume someone is doing something badly when the rest of the country support your assumption. 

Lets now face the topic of 'single' parenting. It is true, there are a lot of single mums. It is quite rare (and yet a delight) to discover a young mum who has successfully managed to up keep a relationship with the father of their child. This does differ from that of the generations of our grandparents. They do come from an era of ever-lasting love and relationships whereas we now live in the time of divorce and separation. However, this separation is not only tied to young mums it is tied to the whole of our population. And I am not sure this is a bad thing. I like to think that once I am married I would not get a divorce, and yet I am a single mum. We separate from partners now for many reason. Biggest factor would have to be that it is more accepted in society. Divorce was once vary taboo, as was becoming pregnant out of wedlock. If I had of fallen pregnant 60 years prior I would have had a shot-gun wedding to a man I didn't know and still be married to him. Unhappily. It isn't that I don't respect and care for my daughters father but we are not compatible in a relationship. For us to be forced to stay together through the acceptance of society would be like telling two people to give up there dreams in their individual lives and the activities they both enjoy doing for the sake of 'staying together'. The truth is, we are on two ridiculously different paths in life and we are two very opposite people. So for us, it is the right thing not to be together. That doesn't change the love we have for our daughter and it doesn't make me a bad mother. In fact, I am a very good mother and I am positive that would have been the case if I waited 15 years to have my daughter just as it is when I had her at 19.

Why should we single mums miss out on the chance of finding the right person to love and happily spend our life with just because we have children? Life is short and lived once.If you are unhappy change it. Life is so adaptable if you let it be. 

Lastly, we live in a digital generation where online dating has replaced meeting singles at local dances. It is a very true (and some think sad) fact but it makes dating accessible to everyone. Not everyone needs it, people with a very active social life that are constantly meeting people through friends or work have a very similar dating line as those who used to attend local dances. But for single mums who have made the selfless and admirable decision to give up that social lifestyle to raise (successfully) those children they love the most it is hard to meet new people. Well, unless these new people work at the grocery store or are part of play group. Single mums don't have the freedom that other young single women have. That is okay, its part of motherhood. But when a dating service comes along that can be attended at home while your children sleep soundly at nights of course single mums will jump on that bandwagon. At the end of the day why shouldn't they? They still deserve to love and be loved. To me, it is not a surprise that online dating is made up greatly of single mums but I am definitely not agreeing it is a reflection of a negative epidemic for the world.

At the end of it all, life is changing. Adapt, don't fight it. 

The prediction on life.

We all imagine we know where we are going to end up in life.
And when we don't get there we imagine how we are going to handle that situation.

But I never imagined being here. Doing this... alone.
& even when I begun doing it I never imagined just how hard and complicated this life was going to become.

I've been known to face hard times well (however that seems to work). We get faced with hard times and for some reason I am blessed with the ability to get up, handle, fight through with strength and wisdom and a confidence in myself and life.

You ask me a question, I know a good answer.
You give me a problem, I have a positive outlook.

Like I said, I am blessed.

Give me the option that my daughter might be ill and im not quite sure where that positive reassurance has gone. Add to it the possibility not everything is okay with me and my walls are positively crumbling. And while my world crumbles I struggle to hear someone whispers those positive words to me. In fact, I just don't think anyone is saying them.

It is not that I don't understand that those I love and have supported in the past are busy in life - yeah. I get that.
It's not that I can't see their view point, the everything is going to be okay, you are over reacting view point people so quickly take upon themselves to see. I get that. It is what people do.
It's not that I don't get why people react the way they do, but what I don't get it how if I can sit here, in the midst of the confusion and doubt and see there side of the story and with that why can't they see mine.
Why, when they are only on the outside.
Why, when I go to them and tell them I am struggling.
Why do people think ignoring it is going to help?

Life is complicated. We think we know where we are going to end up in life and how we are going to there. But what we don't understand is what we (and others) are going to do when life sends you down the tricky paths again and again.

Life is not easy. It is the hardest thing you'll ever do.

I've once heard that your first 'heart break' will be the hardest thing you've ever experienced. I don't doubt that it is hard. I remember those endless nights that kept going and going. The nights where 2am drinks of milks and cigarettes were a unbreakable habit. The nights that never ended until 4am and the days that always begun again at 8. I thought that was the be all and end all. But that is nothing.

Nothing compared to the thought of my daughter hurting. Nothing compared to me not knowing what is going on with her. Nothing compared to no one believing me when I say it is more then what they are predicting. Nothing compared to being alone.

Life is complicated. I don't think it gets easier with time.

Commitment Phob.

It seems I have reached a point in my life where I am afraid to commit.
To anything.
Even good stuff.
In recent conversations I have found myself denying the want for more children, for more pets, to sign a new lease on my amazing and perfect house, to commit to traveling overseas, and even down to small facts like setting up a movie date or a pamper night that I have won.
I even can't commit to having a girls night out with girlfriends. What is wrong with me!

What is worse is I am afraid that I am going through something rather traumatic, without even realising the seriousness of it. Well that isn't true, i realise it otherwise I wouldn't feel the need to write about it. But my body isn't feeling it. I don't have warning signs going off. I don't feel like it is a serious problem. Is it?! Perhaps it is a blessing. I feel normal but my actions are not making me seem like the same person I have been my whole entire life. I have always been the girl in life who was organised and committed. I knew where I was going and how I was getting there and i'd commit to every step of the way. I have always been grounded and responsible. In fact, I thrived on responsibility.

I think that my 'problem' has stemmed from my overbearing responsibilities of a single-parent. Nothing in my life is simple anymore, everything needs to be thought about in multiple perspectives before it can be done. I can not date without the implications to others (and not just my daughter), I can't just shop, I count every cent to go towards bills, I have to budget out my petrol to make sure ill have enough to last every week. The list goes on. I am not complaining, although that definitely sounds like I am. I made my bed and it is the comfiest and best bed that I could ask for. But it comes with an overwhelming sense of being myself against a world determined to make my life hard. And through that I now have the repercussions of not wanting to commit to anything, because my life is full of hard and lifetime commitments as it is.

So no, I do not want another dog which I have to train, pay for, clean, exercise, discipline, and love, even though I love being a pet owner and absolutely adore having a dog to come home to everynight.
No, I do not want to have more children, even though being a parent is the most amazing thing I have ever done and I love parenting more then anything else in this world.
No, I don't want to commit to a boy, regardless of how hard you make my heart beat, how much you make me smile for no reason and the extent that love means to me.
No, I don't want to have coffee with you..... even though I love coffee (this one I am not sure of why. I guess lack of committing to the little things just come from lack of committing to the big. Or im just weird. That works too)

I guess, because I do it all myself that at this point in my life that no matter the rewards that come with things I am just at my limit of responsibility and I can't handle the pressure of doing anymore. I am a strong woman, or I like to believe I am. But right now, I am a woman who has nothing left to give because (on my own) I am giving all that i've got.

Perhaps I am losing the plot.

Is fear your biggest motivator?

Fear by definition is a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil or pain whether the threat is real or imagined. 

But what does fear mean for you?

I figure we all live with a varying level of fear which relates to all aspects of life. I am sure that level increases and decreases with time and experiences and something that we fear at one point in life isn't necessarily going to be something we will fear forever. Perhaps fear is a simple key element to living in a successful life. It motivates us, and keeps us grounded.

However, fear is one of the most sickening feelings I have experienced so far.

I am afraid. 

I fear those things that I cannot control. 

I fear the pain that comes from letting go.

I fear that I am not good enough. More importantly, I fear that I am and you just can't see it. 

I fear that I cannot stay who I am today. 

I fear change. & yet, I embrace it. 

I fear opening myself up to you, because I fear you can't see how hard I try to be me. 

There is a difference between fearing life (& love) and letting that fear control what you do. For me, in this stage of my life, my fear does not control my direction. But the feeling, that fear, is real. 

Expect the worst, save the hurt

Im going to be honest. I hopped on here today wanting to write about my desire for honest communication in all my relationships and blah blah blah, more more more. I am not saying that the above fact isn't true anymore, it is. It is also something that has been playing on my mind a lot recently and I wish that I could find a way to make others see the importance of that to me. However, i've begun to write on the above topic three times now, written and deleted, re-written and deleted, and a third time DELETED. Why? I wish that I could give you a valid reason for the fact my brain can't focus, my stomach feels sick and my heart feels heavy. but I can't. All I can say is one thing. 

Yep, you guessed it. Boys!! 

Don't fear, nothing major has happened. I don't think. Or maybe it has? Whatever the reason, it isn't worth 'blogging' about, not yet anyway. But my reaction to it I feel holds some substance. It amazes me how, in a world that is going smoothly, all it takes is one minute factor to send us into turmoil. Is this part of being female and being hormonal. Do boys experience the same thing? I do really wonder. So today, like I said nothing has actually happen. My brain has interpreted a very minor, minor thing to became a very major problem. Logically, I can't make sense of my reaction. But as one of my girlfriends once told me 'when it comes to the heart, there is no logic.' This one small factor in an otherwise perfect day has honestly made me feel like I need to vomit, sleep and cry the day away. I keep trying to settle my insides down with words of encouragement. I am over reacting. There is nothing wrong. Stop being silly (not so encouraging) but for some unknown reason I have made up my mind and that which is wrong is wrong and there is absolutely no arguing about this fact. Blah! 

Is this what they call women's intuition? That sick in the gut, stab in my heart feeling you get over something minute? If that is the case, how can I possible no from something so small that something so major is going to come from it? I have had one experience of womens intuition which I would happily claim to be that, I am not sure this is in the same league. If it isn't, please explain!? 

Do we have this reaction to try and prevent ourselves from being hurt. Do we forge pain in an event so that if we are to actually be hurt, we were hurt in the first place and not expecting happiness? Does that even make sense? It sounds like the largest loud of dodginess I have ever heard. But I think it is what we do? We expect the worst to save ourselves from pain. In reality, by doing this, we have pain leading up to finding out the worst (or not so worst) is going to happen. Therefore, we end up with a longer amount of pain. & if the 'thing' isn't bad at all we've gotten ourselves worked up into a frenzy of sickness for nothing.

BUT. On the other hand, I was talking to a girlfriend the other day. We had lunch during which we blissfully discussed the men in our lives and how much we 'liked' them. After lunch we have coffee, during which she receives a text message in which he called her a 'buddy' name rather than a 'lovers' name. That was the flick of the switch. She was in that gut-wrenching, you should have just stabbed me in the eye, state. On the outside of the situation I thought 'its only a word'. Turns out that one word was the indicator to the end of the relationship. Or atleast, a pull away from him at this particular point in time. So maybe that 'feeling' is an intuition of some sort. Or perhaps because we react as though one word means the end of everything we guide ourselves down that path subconsciously. Because it is better to end it now before I really get hurt, right?!

WRONG.BULLSHIT! You like him now, if you didn't you wouldn't feel the need to make up these ridiculous  stories in our heads to save ourselves from the pain. We women are complex creatures. No wonder boys can't work us out.

Bloody men. 

Its the small things

Often when people are asked what their hopes and dreams are for the future we dream big. We want the big things in life including the big bucks, the big house and the big successes. I don't see anything wrong with dreaming big, often it takes the big dreams to get us taking those smaller steps but I do wonder if we get so caught up in the 'big picture' we often stop looking at the little bits and pieces that make our lives amazing.

Do we spend so long looking ahead we forget to look at now?

I was driving home tonight beside a river and it was right on dusk. The water was beautiful, a perfect reflection of the setting sun and beautiful silhouettes of people going about evening activities along the river. If I was a photographer I would have captured the beauty but instead it became embedded in my head. Thankfully, it was peak hour traffic so I was graced with a longer length of time to admire the natural beauty placed in front of me. It did lead me to wondering, out of the citizens enjoying that scenic route this evening how many people took even the briefest of moments to appreciate the sight that was being given to them for free. Or how many of them were to busy cursing the traffic for making them late home from work, or stressing about the weekend activities, or money, or anything to actually sit back and see what was placed in front of them.

I have a theory (one of many but definitely one of my favourites) that those of us who are unhappy spend so much time focused on what we are yet to receive we forget to appreciate what we already have. I believe that if we looked at what we had rather than what we wanted we would find something beautiful worth celebrating. For me, I don't need riches or bigness. Money is just a number and size is just a thing. For me its those little things that I get given every day that build and build on my happiness bank. I may be at my busiest, at my largest or at my most stressed but if I see that beautiful sight, even if its the same stretch up beach i've already walked on a hundred time, I still feel blessed by this simple everyday happiness.

This doesn't mean i'm not working towards the 'big picture'. I have dreams just like everyone else to one day have that amazing career i'm working hard towards, and a house to call my own but in the process of getting there I wontlet the lack of these things in my life determine my success or happiness. They will add to it, but definitely not make it.

The bible.

They say 'safety in numbers' is the best (and safest) approach to life. Safety in numbers when swimming, safety in numbers when clubbing, and of course safety in numbers when walking the streets at night. But to put a new spin on it, what about safety in numbers when overcoming life's little hurdles?

For me, i know that I find comfort in hearing about others who are going through similar difficulties that I may be venturing through.. Or better yet, those who have overcome them. It is not that I take comfort in knowing that others are suffering especially when its a pain you can relate to. But knowing that you are not an exception to society and the 'heart wrenching' pain you are experience is one that all other everyday people have also experienced somehow makes it seem okay. To know you aren't an exception to the rule, that is comfort.

I also find it comforting when I find other people who take the same view on situations that I do, especially considering my views often steer from that of everyday Australians. It is not that I am one of those creepy, nothing I say makes sense or has any relevance to life, type of people. In fact, I feel that I am quite opposite. I am just open minded, simply put, in a world of very closed or half-open minded people. I am aware that put that way it makes me sound like I believe I am better then others, or something similar but trust me this isn't the case. I am very down to earth and friendly I just seem to think very differently from many other people I have met. That is not to say that I believe my view point is superior because I honestly don't, I just know that it works for me. In fact, i am more open to accepting the view points of others and don't feel the need to 'preech' to those who are different in their thought process. I make sense of my world my way, as does everyone else.

It is comforting, however, to find others who do think similar, coming back to safety with numbers. Not safety from society or to develop an 'us Vs them' motion but just to keep me confident in my own way of thoughts. It is hard, regardless of how holistic you feel, to have your opinions continuously cross examined by the majority of society who think differently to you and believe you to be naive in your views. So far im still standing as straight and tall as a building about my beliefs but even buildings can fall. It is hard to be different to what society expects you to be, regardless of how 'wise' being different makes you.

I was on one of my 'bibles' this morning, a website called mamamia where collectively people submit articles about an array of topics from love to politics and current national events. I say it is my bible because through this I find numerous of articles that help me make sense of life, or help others that I know. This website is the joining together of people and thoughts through words, and it is amazing what sort of repair job these words can help  accomplish.

Today I found this article about a women who's husband wanted to leave her and she didn't go through the natural (and often normal) process of breaking down or demanding answers and responses. Instead she calmly supported him and let him know it was 'okay' but she loved him anyway. (Have a read: http://www.mamamia.com.au/weblog/2010/07/he-said-i-dont-love-you-she-said-thats-ok-stay-anyway.html). Reading it I remembered my 'rant' from yesterday on my girlfriends who have a hard time accepting my decision to support a boy they don't believe is treating me right. It was nice to read that others have chosen to travel a similar path to me and that their girlfriends also found them naive for following that path. Other people find it hard to believe that you can just 'know' that you are meant to support someone but from reading that she just knew, without a doubt, that her husbands problems was not because of her but she was there to support him in his decision makes me realise I am not naive, i am just trusting my heart. I acknowledge the differences in the situation between her and me, but that doesn't make my need to support someone and stay in a situation any different to hers.

For me, I accept that going by societies standards the relationship I have entered shouldn't be this 'hard' at the beginning and because it shouldn't be this hard society believes it can't be successful. What I don't understand is how society can believe, when we are made up of hundreds of thousand of different people with all varying experiences and ideas, that one set of rules determine the game for everyone?

Not understanding someone else's fast heartbeat.

I am sure we have all been in this position I am about to explain but I feel it necessary to set the scene anyway. Imagine; you've just had a fight with your partner. For this example we will say its been a reoccurring fight that does leave you feeling rather unwanted and disheartened in your situation. Due to your hurt and regardless of how small it may have been in retrospect, you've sort out a girlfriend to cry to and declare you've been hurt 'one to many times' and wont do it anymore. In reality, regardless of the extremities of such rants we've had with our girlfriends what we say during these times are not necessarily true. Or they may be true for that moment  of passion without your loved one in front of you with his famous baby blue eyes asking for forgiveness. So we spend hours with our girlfriend, crying & ranting, and working out step by step our next plan of attack to rid of this 'loser who doesn't treat us right' to then walk away and straight back into the arms of our lover. Trust me, its easy to forgive those eyes! 

Next meeting with the girlfriend we cringe a little inside when they ask us how our confrontation with our loved one went. 'Did you finally tell that bastard where to go?!' Nervously, we explain no. We spoke, we sorted things out and we've made up. How often do our girlfriends then encouragingly tell us that is amazing, and how wonderful that we should put in the hard yards to build a loving and solid relationship. Or, how often do they encourage by saying 'not every relationship can be smooth sailing all the time. You are both only human and will have your ups and downs.' Or, how often do we just keep feeling guilty for not following the plan of attack and still having our lover at home when we climb into bed.

Perhaps this is just me. Perhaps it isn't my girlfriends but my own innate guilt. I don't think it is, but i'm not ruling it out as a possibility. 

However, assuming that my assumption is correct I ask the question. Why are people not supportive when we work things out with our loved ones? I can understand that they just want what is best for us, or they worry that we are too close to a situation that we can't see the warning signs but at the end of it all, isn't this our own lives? Why do we feel the need to follow the rash advice from a girlfriend, rather than the words from our own hearts. I do wonder how many fights or break-ups have been 'girlfriend advice' assisted. I also wonder, how much of the advice we give as girlfriends are more a projection from our own relationship mishaps rather than the problem set in front of our friend. 

I met with amazing girlfriends of mine tonight for the first time since my 'ending' conversation with my Mr Four. Very predictably myself and Mr Four are still going strong so when my girlfriends got there with the gleam in their eyes knowing i'd have some sort of story to tell them I felt myself shrink (yes, shrink). I knew i'd just become another girl who whinges about the 'boy' and then comes back the next week to say everything is okay.

But the thing is, regardless of what my girlfriends think (and yes it was voiced that perhaps I am to close to the situation to see the mistakes I am making) they dont feel deep inside the way this boy makes me feel. They don't feel the butterflies I experience when I see his name come up on my phone, or the antsy little pacing I feel like doing when I know he is only minutes away from my house. Their lips don't curl up into involuntary smiles when I think about sweet little things he has done or said, and their heart doesn't beat faster when they think about the tiny chuckle he lets out when he finds something heartwarming. I am not saying I am in love with this guy, because I'm not. I am still just getting to know him. But I do think these feelings are that close to fireworks that I am about to start writing my own love story.

I am not saying because of this we will be together forever. I am not denying that he sometimes does the wrong things by me and does cause me the pain that I need to talk to my girlfriends about. I am not disregarding the fact that he is human, male and sometimes selfish. But while I am expected to recognise his bad 'traits' and the way they make me feel, i'd like to also place acknowledgement on these good aspects and the tiny things he does that make me feel so.... amazing (he would laugh if he saw me write that). I want to question why an argument must mean the end. Why cannot not just be viewed as a bump in the road? A bump that builds us higher? 

So, to all the girlfriends out there who make our cement judgement from the tears our girlfriends shed over selfish males remember:

When a girlfriend cries she needs you to wipe her tears.

When a girlfriends needs to work through anger she needs you to help her make sense of it.

But when a girlfriends chooses to forgive, forget and move on she needs your full support, regardless of your opinion.

It isn't your life. You are only there for support 

Addicted to the idea of bad relationships?!

I've always labelled myself as a 'hopeless romantic' and until recently even I was fooled by this motion. Lately, however, I've found that at the mention of romance and those soppy couples that are all blissed up they can't see out their eyes any more I find that I have an undeniable urge to roll my eyes and walk in the other direction.
Or better yet, maybe we should start talking about that gory zombie flick that is on at the cinemas.

I'd laugh if it wasn't so true and if i didn't find it so ridiculously disturbing.

I believe it comes from one of two things. Firstly, and more likely, it is the natural defense mechanism of my brain and my heart in response to failed (and difficult) relationships and the now pending possible separation of my parents. Its like an animal with a automatic defense mechanism to flee, or shot venom, instead I just place ridiculous notions inside of my head, to then find myself later frustrated at my thought process and wondering why all of a sudden I have a million complicated and negative thoughts about my current relationships.

Second reason, i don't believe in love (insert the scoff here! If I didn't believe in it I doubt i'd find the need and want to write about it, as well as talk about it, excessively)

Perhaps, we all need to go through a stage in which we can't believe in the fairytale and then prince charming (haha!) comes along and proves to us that it is real. Or, perhaps I've begun living in the real world where I can logically see that fairies aren't real and prince charming doesn't scoot around in a horse drawn carriage and demand my love in front of thousands of adoring fans. I am not doubting that these events happen (okay, maybe not the fairies... unless you are having a really big night) and that there are moments that live up to the ridiculous hollywood produced fairytale relationship we all seem to use as a measuring scale. I guess I have learnt and accept that these are few... and far far far between.

For the rest of us 'normal' folks who are living with two feet firmly planted on the ground we become happy with relationships with amazing partners who piss us off and don't kiss us the way we want to be kissed, but we love them madly anyway and they make us happy (even without the fairies and horse drawn carriage!)

Lets see how this goes.

Tonight marks the beginning of my blogging journey, take two.

Of course, i am not going to lie. My interest is sparked again by the need to discuss, without an end in sight, males who I just cannot understand. I felt I should give my poor girlfriends a break as I am sure they are sick of hearing the same mundane questions of Why & How. So to save my friendships, and to possibly claim some clarity myself, here goes.

Do you think it is true that we are attracted to those who are wrong for us? Bad for us? Like a drug or an addiction to lollies. Perhaps the first comparison is a bit harsh and the second a bit lenient but I am sure you can understand my idea. We seem to fall for these boys (and again, I say boys because I am not sure that they have grown into men yet) who, time and time again, shit on us and yet we cannot go a minute without imagining how perfect they could be. If only they did 'x' different....right?

Perhaps I am the only one and perhaps it is my own sick addiction.

I was speaking to my uncle tonight (setting the scene, he is 40+ & single) who was telling me about an experience he was having on 'oasis' (an internet dating site) with a female who was appalled at his living situation. He then continued on to tell me that women today are expecting to find the 'perfect' male and that such a thing is a myth.

So who is wrong here. Do we (as women) expect to much from men, or do they just not want to step into the shoes of being someones partner.

Perhaps some of us single women do expect to much of our potential partners. I know that I have seen time and time again women who expect men to be mind readers, men to be as emotional as them, men to enjoy watching mind numbing romantic comedies to then walk out of it and start speaking of a long term commitment with the girl they've been dating for approximately 4 weeks (don't lie girls, we've all been here). I know that I have been one of these women who has the unrealistic expectations that boys are just girls (with dangley bits). I like to think today I am more well informed on men, and can maybe understand them a little bit better. Perhaps understand is not the right word here... perhaps I can understand what I read about men a little bit better.

Therefore I pose this question. As a women who understands that men need to have man time, they need to enter their emotional cave, they need to sometimes smell and scratch and fart while watching football on tv and yelling obscene unnecessary comments, how do I still find men that can't live up to my expectations. By expectations I mean all you have to do is show up when you say you are going to show up (ill even understand if sometimes I can't be your number one priority), and when you are with me show me that you want to be there. That is all I ask, i really do not need much and yet I still attract men who are not capable of such commitment.

I am not just talking about one boy either. I wish that this was just some vent over the current male who has placed me into this situation (Yep, you guessed it though - he is real) but I am referring to my last four relationships with men. Four. Over the last three years I have met four boys who have done the exact same thing. After the first one I walk away much more quickly now, each time with a broken heart. I am thinking they are all the same boy just with a different body shape.

Is it me? Is it my expectations? Am i just addicted to the things that are wrong for me. Or perhaps am I looking at this wrong and what is wrong for me is actually right for me and Ive just got to work out how it is right for me without being wrong.

But if it is right, why does it feel so wrong?
& yet, why will it feel so wrong to walk away from this new 'boy' tomorrow because he is #4.